Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
