You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
