I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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