I didn't shave. On purpose
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
