Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
