Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
