Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize