Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
