I must be too annoying 4 u.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
