Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
