i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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