My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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