We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
