had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
