I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
