I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
