someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
