I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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