We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
