Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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