Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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