Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
