shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My dick has a subreddit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
