if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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