OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
