My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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