Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
