his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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