Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i love accidental penises.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I touched a dick in church today
I need water and some morals
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
