My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
