The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
