why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
