Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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