i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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