It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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