Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
