why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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