you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
