He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
