Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
