my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
as a side note pls kill me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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