Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
