i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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