Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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