dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
nutella sex= disaster
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
