The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
