dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i now understand why vodka
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
