so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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