Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
