i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
