Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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