I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
love makes seman taste better
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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