I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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