i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
