I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
