you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
