how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
