i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
