Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
