first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
