As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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